small list

At the time, prearranged, she’ll sit at a small round table as low-rise trousers paint strokes across the floor. For a minute, she’ll watch her watching the dancers and her heart will feel green. She’ll join her and they’ll drink through short straws, afraid of everything they don’t have in common. 

Three and a half drinks later, they’ll care less. She’ll pull her up to join the ballroom crush. Freehand, getting looser, they’ll sweat out concentric circles. They’ll draw together with hips and mouths and hot, brave hands.

And how miraculous it will feel to watch each other waking up! And how naive they’ll be to think that all they need to make things work are hopes and good intentions! But what unthinking joy it will be to pass the morning sleeping, eating, barely moving in and out of bed!

They’ll move in together. They’ll combine their crockery. They’ll ingest each other’s life stories and leave the bathroom door unlocked.

They’ll watch documentaries at night. They’ll meditate in the morning. 

She will worry about taking off her clothes. She will long for her to speak while they sit at the table, candlelit, spooning up mouthfuls of carrot soup.

They will go to birthday parties as a couple and regret all the drinks they buy. They will receive Christmas cards addressed to them both. Their names will be compounded.

Her screen time will increase by 7 minutes compared to the previous week, and by 14 minutes compared to the week before that. 

When she is not at work or seeing friends or out on her bike, she will watch her watching her phone and fantasise about throwing it out of their dream house windows for which they pay too much rent.

They will tell their friends that nothing’s wrong. They’ll say they’re in a rut. 

Their lease will draw to its end, and they’ll avoid the conversation about renewal.

Over cups of tea and cardboard boxes, they’ll speak at cross purposes and disagree. They will shout and cry. They will admit to things they’ve done. They will talk about hatred and betrayal. They will say things they don’t mean. Their naked keys will clatter on the floor. 

They’ll talk about regrets, and she’ll be nestled there, encoded in a small list in a story reserved for close friends.